“It took us a while to explain everything to George, Charlotte and Louis.” Like any parent with cancer, the Princess of Wales, Kate Middleton, had to announce her illness to her children. A difficult step, counterintuitive for many, but essential.
“All studies have shown that it is beneficial to tell your children, regardless of their age, for psychological reasons. We might be tempted not to say it to protect them, but we must talk about it,” says Karen Kraeuter, a clinical psychologist specializing in oncology interviewed by BFMTV.com.
In fact, children, who feel many adult emotions, probably realize that something is wrong and naturally imagine the worst.
“I knew right away that I didn’t want to hide it from him. I grew up with a sick father who didn’t always tell us everything and I suffered a lot because of it,” testified Sophie, who suffered from an aggressive form. of breast cancer, in October 2023 from the Huffington Post.
Caroline explains to the Roseup association that she could not immediately tell her 2 and a half year old son: “but he understood that something was happening and started hitting me,” she confesses.
If there is no single correct way to talk about this with your children – “you have to do what you feel, however it suits you” according to the psychologist -, certain advice can be followed.
Inside the house, with free time
First of all, we must take the time for parents to “digest”, “absorb a little of what is happening to them” at the risk of “transmitting intense anxiety to the child”, stressed psychoanalyst Nicole Landry-Dattée in October 2021. on the set of The kindergarten house about France 2.
It is also preferable to wait until you have a clear diagnosis but talk about it before starting treatments, and therefore, before side effects appear. Don’t hesitate to talk about it with the teams of psychologists at the dedicated centers to refine your strategy.
“There is no best way to do it, but there are details to pay attention to, such as the place or time we choose,” says child psychiatrist Anne Senequier in the columns of Le Point.
And he adds: “We will also prefer our home (the child will see it as a calming place, a refuge) instead of an external place. […] We will also prefer to have the time in front of us: not between two doors or at bedtime, when the child is alone, with unanswered questions.”
The Canadian Cancer Society also advises preparing your words, practicing out loud or writing down your ideas before you start.
Age-appropriate words
The brothers can be informed collectively or individually. In fact, the words used could be different depending on the age of the children.
“For little ones, the word cancer can be very abstract; It is better to talk about a ball, for example,” suggests Karen Kraeuter.
Sophie, 37, at the time of her testimony explains that she made her 5-year-old son and 7-year-old daughter “touch” her “ball” called “tumor” so that they “understood.”
The Canadian Cancer Society, however, suggests not “using euphemisms” that may “confuse” children. “If you simply say that your child is sick, his siblings may misunderstand you. The next time your brother, for example, has a cold, he may be afraid of having to go to the hospital and receive chemotherapy. It is best to use the specific word, explain it and dissociate it from the words that are part of everyday life,” the charity explains on its website.
To help parents there are tools such as adapted books and videos that allow children to visualize. like the cartoon Special mission: Charly is sick which explains, through a journey into the body of a teddy bear, how cancer cells develop and how they are treated.
Avoid details
It is also advisable not to go into too much detail. Stick to the affected body part, treatments, possible side effects, and ask what else they would like to know.
Instead, we must “remain available for reactions and questions, adapting to the child’s character, his needs and his pace,” advises specialist Karen Kraeuter.
Children’s reactions may surprise parents. It is not unusual for him to act as if nothing had happened after the announcement. “You have to wait for him to come back and talk about it, or if not, give him a push, you have to open the door without forcing too much,” explains the psychologist. “You have to ask periodically if they have any questions.”
It is also important to prepare the child for the changes that will occur in his daily life, continue communicating afterwards and make it clear to him that he can express his emotions, that he has the right to be sad and worried.
“Julie, my 7-year-old daughter, started crying. I told them that it was normal to be sad, to be afraid, to be angry, that we felt that way too and that ‘it was important to talk about it.’ To us, to her friends, whoever they wanted,” says Sophie.
“It is not advisable to say that you are sure of recovery”
The child may ask his parents if he is going to die. “Parents are often taken aback,” says Karen Kraeuter, who advises “not to commit to things that are not safe.”
“It is not advisable to say that we are sure of recovery. It is better to say ‘the doctors and I are doing everything possible to prevent this from happening,'” he explains.
Children tend to feel guilty, especially those under seven years old. “We have to explain to them that they have nothing to do with it, that it is no one’s fault,” says the psychologist. As is the fact that it is not contagious. “Most of the childhood diseases they suffer from are contagious, such as viral gastroenteritis, the flu. That is why children can be afraid, it is important to tell them that we can continue giving them kisses, hugs…”, adds Karen Kraeuter.
Regarding hair loss, a side effect of chemotherapy, it is best to explain it to them, show them drawings and images so that they can prepare before it happens to adults. “You also have to respect him if he doesn’t want to see. But children often adapt much better than we imagine, better than other adults,” says Karen Kraeuter.
Monitor the child’s reactions in the long term.
It is advisable to notify the school, especially when they are young, to be able to exercise special vigilance, as at home, over their reactions. “Children rarely say that they are not feeling well, but this will manifest itself in their behavior, in their appetite, in their sleep…” says the psychologist. In particular, adolescents may have a tendency to become withdrawn, aggressive, and more difficult. Children, like parents, can also receive help from a specialist. The Roseup association highlights that there are support groups for children with sick parents and invites them to seek information in health establishments.
In addition to the announcement, care must also be taken that the child does not take the place of the caregiver. “They should help, yes, but we must be careful that they do not think that it is their responsibility to take care of their parents and that they no longer do anything for themselves,” warns Karen Kraeuter, who takes the example of a 9-year-old who “got up three or four times a night to check that his mother was breathing.”
Finally, in a secondary way, the latter advises paying attention to “exceptional treatments”, to the relaxation of the educational framework. “We tend to be colder, more flexible, but it is important to maintain a framework, specify that these are exceptions. Otherwise, parents will have difficulties once we return to normality.”
Source: BFM TV
